Nono

12:30 am: SIGH
A load so heavy has been lifted off my shoulders and it feels great. As well with a peacefulness in my heart. Such an amazing feeling. Before I felt like i was going to die. Yeah, that bad. But even though there are still some things that need to be taken care of, I know I can do it now because I have a greater sense of what it is and all. The blinds have been removed and I can feel God's strength more. And see the direction that I need to go. I have gone through a big battle and have conquered it. Where before I thought I could no longer fight and was beginning to see defeat. But to say honestly I saw the faces of those that gave me hope. Yes God was always there and giving me the strength and as well the vision of victory and how He did not create a person to quit so easily. It might sound strange, but for me it doesn't. Thank you God. For your forgiveness, strength and love for me.

12:03 am: I love my job!
I love my job. I love the pay!
I love it more and more each day.
I love my boss. She is the best!
I love her boss and all the rest.

I love my office and its' location.
I hate to have to go on vacation.
I love my furniture, drab and grey, and
piles of paper that grow each day!
I think my job is really swell.
There's nothing else I love so well.
I love to work among my peers.
I love their leers, and jeers, and sneers.

I love my computer and its software;
I hug it often though it wont care.
I love each program and every file.
I'd love them more if they worked a while.

I'm happy to be here, I am. I am.
I'm the happiest slave of the Firm, I am.
I love this work. I love these chores.
I love the meetings with deadly bores.

I love my job-I'll say it again-
I even love those friendly men.
Those friendly men who've come today.
In clean white coats to take me away!!!!!

11:21 pm: Friends can be stinkers at times......
there are times when I think I don't have any friends? For the fact that it seems that I always have to call my "friends" or go up to you to say hello. Why? Why, can't you just be a friend like you are to others? And it's not only one person but the majority.

This wednesday was the most discouraging day ever. When some of the people I had asked if they can help for this saturday can help us move? and they said yes (of course after the reception with no rush to leave right away and mind you I ask weeks ago) and when i ask again this wed. to make sure. the majority say they just made plans or are doing something afterwards. it sucks. and especially is very discouraging.

06:54 pm: EVERYTHING IS ......
BALONY! BALONY, BALONY, BBBBAAAAALLOOOONNNYYYYYY! *SIGH* that feels better....`

11:58 pm: Here you go.
1. Who are you?

2. Are we friends?

3. When and how did we meet?

4. Do you have a crush on me?

5. Would you kiss me?

6. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.

7. Describe me in one word.

8. What was your first impression?

9. Do you still think that way about me now?

10. What reminds you of me?

11. If you could give me anything what would it be?

12. How well do you know me?

13. When's the last time you saw me?

14. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?

15. Are you going to put this on your blog and see what I say about you?

07:05 pm: Normally I'm super excited when my spiritual birthday is gettting close...but this year with so much going on and to do, that I don't have that excitement. :( I'm going to be 5 yrs. this sunday when everybody gets to see the fireworks. Just remember to celebrate my spiritual b-day in spirit. Please. I'm going to be in Long Beach. I do hope I have fun.

11:31 pm: Life....
What's going on with people!? Have people forgotten about God? That even though one will go through some hard times or not hard times that God is still there and as well people that do care for them. Can't we continue to all be friends. Running away from things only make it worse. Not talking to someone only make it weird and uncomfortable. Ignoring things that need to be done only makes it bad. *sigh* I wish that things were like before at times. Where people really did show some care in this world.

LIfe is not always short....make the best of it everyday and enjoy it no matter how bad it is or how good.

12:04 am: We wear the Mask
We wear the mask that gives and lies,
it hides our cheeks and shades our eyes-
this debt we pay to human guile;
with torn and bleeding hearts we smile,
And mouth with myraid subtle ties.

Why should the world be otherwise,
In counting all our tears and sighs?
Nay, let them only see us
while we wear the mask.

We smile, but, O great Christ, our cries,
To thee from tortured souls arise.
We sing, but oh, the clay is vile
Beneath our feet, and long the mile;
But let the world dream otherwise,
We wear the mask.

06:41 pm: To you.....
Funny that I can relate to a sister about what she is going through. Funny? Because I know what you feel about not trusting people and wanting at the same time, but you can't help to stop the wall that builds up. And that's because people have hurt you so many times. I completely understand. To let you know, I haven't given up on you. I stop coming up to you because I was and am going through some things and was in my own world trying to deal with it. I feel your pain. It brings tears to my eyes to think of what I feel. But I haven't given up on what God calls me to do: don't give up on those who have given up on you. To continue to persevere. And I continually tell God that it's hard. I don't want to any more and He assures me with a loving voice that He loves me and gives me the strength not to give up. And with whatever little strength I have to give to others, I give. Those that do know me well and I mean by very well, know that it's hard for me to trust people. Even as a disciple you would think that you would not get hurt, but it feels that I continually am being hurt silently by those I love. So to you I say, don't give up on those that love you. Just remember that they might be going through something as well and are really trying hard to be there for you also. I wish you the very best and that with God you can work in breaking down the wall of China. :) take care....

10:42 pm: I'M OUTTA HERE!!!
I finally graduated this wednesday! I was so nervous and at the same time didn't know what to do. So unreal and real to know that I did it. The good thing is that the real world doesn't look scary because I've been in the real world for quite a while. Now to get that job at Premiere. That would be the cherry to the cake. I'm proud of myself. *sigh* I've just finished as well a Dean Koontz book in 3 days. I've been wanting to read my books for a while now and I did. I hadn't before since I had things to finish and get ready for finals. I was super happy that my family was able to be there. It was cool to sit and have a celebration dinner with my family (some) and sisters all together. To know that they met more than just one friend of mine. It was cool. Thank you to all of you who were there. I love ya. You know who you are. I was super encouraged. The only scary thing was when everybody was all on me. I need my space. clostophobic. :) I still loved it.

07:45 pm: instead of friday for a screening I go on Thursday to see Man of Fire; with Denzel Washington and DAkota something. On friday I go to the junket which Denzel will be there. Cool.
Unfortunately, for the bad news. My supervisor and myself were talking about when's my last day and my school stuff. And I asked her if by any chance she knew of any openings that I can apply at the end. and she said that the way it works there is someone gets fired and the assistant or so gets hired for that position. No worries. there are many openings out there and with the experience that I am getting, I should be able to find something. Positive thinking. all's well. Make it fun, while I have the chance. Plus she ask if I can come over during lunch or so afterwards (there's a new intern coming in on JUne 1) so that I can help her and train her as well. Which I won't mind. Pretty cool.

now to go over my bills and pay as well work on my 32" wire project. I'm making a bug, which kind I don't know, just some bug. Since the fairy thing wasn't working with wire.

Cheerios.......

12:47 am: JENNIFER GARNER
13 going on 30 was funny. Not a big laugh funny just funny. cute...for saturday's junket, I got lost, but I found the place, as i parked to get valet, a black car was in front of me and who gets out, but Jennifer Garner from Alias. She was the first one that we interviewed, the stupid recording machine gave me trouble so I wasn't able to record her. Darn! Than it went on with Judy-she's the one from the Wedding Planner, j'lo's assistant in the movie, and the suicidal secretary on What Women Want. And Mike, the guy who did Gollum in LOTR. He's british and very cool talking to. Very outgoing. I was able to get their signature on the magazine from the movie that came in our gift bags. soundtrack, a fashionable white sweater, the press kit. cool stuff. I didn't get to go to the Kill Bill screening, sucks! but I need to see the first movie, before anything. great saturday hanging out with nataly afterwards, just running erands and cooking shrimp with pineapple, cook over with some butter-fried along with some white rice, very good. after dancing at the bldg. and church......very nice.

11:22 pm: MIDTERM....
so there's this midterm we are suppose to be taking tomorrow morning at 9. problem? no study guide, no direction as to what is going to be on the quiz. am I freaking out. trying not to. I am trying to guide myself towards trusting God here. so the solution? go over notes, articles we had to read and last two quizzes. I'm tired. have midterm, internship at santa monica w/ leeza's assistant than screening to go to. following morning. bright and early, junket. jennifer gardner and some other people....laters.....

10:36 pm: EERRIIIEEE....
lately, I've been seeing things. shadows passing by or people that are not there when I really look. The dead? Maybe. Things that want to be seen? I don't know. I know I don't want to see them or especially feel. I grew up with it. Sensing things around me and on. someone watching me, over me and from afar. but more of seeing it, them, whatever it is. Have you ever really looked at the world with different eyes. The eyes of spirituality and just stopped and felt from the outside of normality and felt what was going on in the world? It's not nice. I have done it. All there is, is lightness and darkness. The Spiritual War. To know that there are all these demons that claw on you whenever you feel certain emotions, and how maybe you're going through them because God is testing your faith. And how the angels, as much as they want to help, can't because they need to see you battle it on your own. Making sure you can stand it. In the end, they'll battle it with you and for you. We run all day with our busy lives and not realize that maybe next to us, an angel is accompaning us. They can hear our thoughts, our prayers and it gives them strength through God. Because we are talking to Him. I'm just a dreamer who dreams of such a world. This Present Darkness & Piercing The Darkness are novels that give you a story of small towns going through the spiritual war going on. For me, I feel like I am going through one. I can feel these little creeps of demons clawing at me, but to say honestly, when I do begin to pray to God tell them to leave me,because I have God in my heart and in my life, they leave. I am a dreamer....lately, I've been having these weird dreams that someone is out chasing me. or I'm fighting something. I was some kind of warrior in a past life. Of course a woman warrior. I'm just a dreamer...

10:26 pm: only the lonely......
I think i'm going through a depression symptom or maybe it is depression. I should go to google and really look into this depression thing. I will definitely not go to counseling again. or maybe it's just this lonely thing....why? I don't know.
on another note: my painting the one with the model attached to it, I won't receive it back till we come back from spring break. darn! oh, well people are going to have to wait till than to see it. As for this weekend I'm off to see 13 going on 30. with Jennifer Gardner. Than off to the junket on saturday. *sigh* I'm moving to the 5th floor or should I say WE are moving to the 5th floor, no more 12th floor. smaller office but cooler too.
Prayer, prayer, prayer, that's what I need. please do so, so that I may have more strength not to kick someone's butt. and to be patient and not kick her butt. yes, i am evil and mean and etc. AM I? Maybe it's the strong character I have and everybody or some just misunderstand and instead of asking, they just assume. *sigh*
my mind runs with so much, that I jump from one thing to the next.
On a happier note, I'm having breakfast with gen tomorrow. I look forward to that. Especially thursday as well since I don't have class(both were cancelled) and I can get more sleep, which I really won't because I still wake up early. so much to do..........

05:00 pm: So wherever you put that, it should show up like this:

*HUGS* TOTAL! give Mysticat10 more *HUGS*
Get hugs of your own

12:27 am: An eventful weekend and another along the way....
so, I didn't post this whole weekend because I was going haywire. So, on friday I went to SAnta Monica to meet Vincent-Leeza Gibbons Personal Assistant. It was cool. Very nice office. But I wouldn't want to work there. Too lonely. He's the only one in the office and with so much to do just for one single person who lives a very busy life. But overall it was cool. I got to meet her and she was pretty cool to meet me. I guess she heard about me. The intern who finally came to help! But she was gone after a few minutes for a photo shoot and a off to Chicago to meet with Oprah. I got to put together these press packages. I saw her personal office. Very nice. The negative part about this, my car ends up over heating on my way back and 3 hours before I had to be at the Beverly Connection for a screening. Before actually making a left on Lassen and Zelzah my car dies. Not a minute later when these two guys come over and ask if I need help. I guess they were at the pool. From the new apt bldg. They pushed my car to the side of the road and ask if I needed to use their phone to call tow truck or anyone at home. Very nice of them. But after they left and I stayed in my car contemplating what to do, I decided to turn my car on and it did. I decided to just drive it around the corner and find parking there and go to the girls place. I was able to find parking right away. Totally God. *sigh* I missed the screening. Had no car for the weekend. But I got to go to the junket on saturday at the BH Four Seasons. Very nice and snotty people though. WEll, only the tenants. We all were able to interview, Selma Blair, Ron Perlman, Guillermo Del Toro (Director), and the guy who made Hellboy. Very good breakfast. I didn't get to ask questions (first time) but only recorded and made sure nothing went wrong with the recorder. But finally on monday, my "jellybean" got towed and I rode with the tow man. and left her to be looked at. It ended up being a tube where the water circulates. WEll, basically it wasn't allowing it to do that, so thats why it got overheated. they changed it and made sure nothing else was wrong with it and all better. *sigh* Now I have my jellybean back. Yay! *note: jellybean should only be kept private in here and not outside this <----> walls. thank you.....good thing too because I have to go the this fashion something gallery (I have to dress nice) where it a fieldtrip with my art class. there's going to be pictures. and than I have another one on sunday to go to MOCA with my other class. I can already see the weekend. Hopefully I don't have to drive to santa monica this friday. *sigh..............

12:04 am: I am excited and relax (or trying to be) Last weekend I was suppose to have gone and seen Scooby Doo 2 and saturday to the junket for a press conference to interview the actors. didn't go, cause I had something to do one saturday: being godmother for two of my nieces's confirmation. Great lunch afterwards at Olive Garden with my sister and brother and some family; only hers though. But tomorrow (or should I say today) I go to Santa Monica to meet and get together with Vincent (Leeza's Assistant) who will show me around the whole deal, recording and so on. Afterwards, if I leave early I'm taking my car for a carwash. At 6:10p.m. Beverly Connection to watch special screening of HELLBOY (along with free popcorn and drink). On saturday 9a.m.- 12p.m. press conference interview at the Beverly Hills Four Seasons for the junket. Interviewing actors that were in Hellboy. Which Eric will be training me on the recording machine. Come home rest, at 4p.m. go and accompany a sister to get her tattoo. Makes me want to get one but than again I don't know. AFterwards, rest and finish my art project-painting the canvas for the background of my model. And than maybe call a sister to hang out and go and watch Dawn of the Dead. Besides this that will be happening starting this morning with my 9am. class till after the movie, I'm beat. I need a massuse (whatever you spell it) you know what I mean.

-in other news I do miss hanging out with people and it doesn't have to be where we end up doing so much. just kicking it and watching a movie is fun. but than do I always have to be the one calling? Which I do admit, my part has to part of it. Does coming up to them and saying hello count? Because calling over the phone, well, how can you when by the time you get home you're tired, but you still have homework, papers and art projects to finish. *sigh*............I do miss the friendships I had with sisters and brothers. Only because I'm in the singles doesn't mean that I don't exist anymore. I say this cause it's been in my heart. And it does hurt to feel like that. I won't call out names. Just makes me think that those who used to talk to me, now don't really do anymore. I still exist and I'm still here...
It just feels hard to try to keep up with everything that's going on: school, work, internship, graduating, family, organization of your room, projects, errands, and so forth. and friendships.......*sigh* I need a vacation.....

11:56 pm: it was painful......
this is not good. First i end up cutting (accidently) my nail off to where it bled a little. And now last night, as I was cutting off pieces of cardboard for my project, I guess my mind slipped for a second or my finger moved a little forward, that I ended up cutting or should I say slicing almost the whole corner of my left first finger. And I looked at it and saw blood starting to spill like crazy. And right away, I tried to stop the bleeding and it kept on coming. The whole chunk of skin was still intact but it hurt like hell. sorry but it did! And so i had to keep my finger suspended up in the air, cause I started feeling the pounding in my finger. Believe me, it's not a pretty sight now. I just have a big bandaid wrapped around my finger and it hurts at times to just even type. Because of course you use your finger to get to the letters. And than today, in art class, I'm trying to grab something from my art box and the lid closes on my hand, that didn't hurt but i pulled my hand out (I felt like Homer afterwards, ex: when his hand gets stuck inside the soda machine and stays there for a long time, when all he had to do was let go of the stinky soda can...)well I felt duh....and it made a slash on my hand. I'm just abusing and hurting my hand. Which is not good. At work I had to type a lot and I couldn't type fast. And so tomorrow, at work, I am going to have to type and I hope my manager will not say something, maybe some kind of joke or sarcastic remark. I hope not. Maybe worry? we'll see.

On a side note: i got a call from someone in the Human Resources Dept from my internship asking about them receiving my application for internship and wanted to know if I was applying for paid or unpaid internship? Wow! this is awesome, but I'll find out tomorrow what's the requirement for paid or if there is any. For most, I do hope I can get a job at this company at the end of my internship. more updates in the coming days

11:15 pm: this is awesome! last friday I had an interview at the Premiere Radio Network. An interview for an internship and I got the internship! Monday was my first day and it was so great! I got to make calls all over the states: Utah, Texas, Idaho, New York, you name it. I had to check there slogans make sure they were correct in order to use them for Kasey Casem top 40. So I got to talk to other people from other radio stations. This is a major radio company. I work in the 12 floor and still go to the 5 and 3rd floor. Plus they have the bottom floor where they actually do the recordings and all. And it's right across the street from my job. Right where it says Fox Sports RAdio and Kasey Casem Top 40. I hope that some time soon I'll be able to meet Leeza Gibbons. I get my desk with computer where I'll be using the DAT: Digital Audio Tapes. Little small cassettes where celebrities were recorded and I'll be able to play them and cut out pieces from it and put it together and to where the guy who puts in sounds and all puts the finishing touch and gets it ready to play it. I need to fine out what station they play it at. Which I'll be able to attend some time in one of her recordings. Not sure when. and as well go to screenings. The awesome part in that is the hours will count as my internship hours. So, I really pray and hope that after this internship I can apply for a job here and continue to do what I end up doing. I mean there is not so much excitement going on in there, but when it's something you like doing and it's something you know you want to do, I mean you're fine. God totally was in on this. Except for the little part that it didn't click on me to go and fine out if they had internship until the day my manager told me to go and check and ask them. That's where the other part comes in with the help. So, I do thank God and my manager. *sigh* now to just do a great job, not just with my internship but with my job as well. Tomorrow is another day: class, internship (2 1/2 hrs) and than work. plus free lunch that the pharmeceutical people bring. which is always real good food.